I've previously posted about specific places or destinations in Second Life. But, for a change, I am going to write about Second Life iself as a destination and some things I've learned and am still learning as I travel its "roads." I don't refer to SL skills such as building per se but more to social skills, something not usually covered in any SL tutorials or classes.
I've been in SL for nearly 7 years now and have met many different avatars and made several friends. My initial reason for joining was my curiosity about the librarians there, as I am a librarian myself in RL. As I also have always had an interest in reading and writing, I worked for the first few years as a writer for the Metaverse Newspaper covering library news and then as an Associate Publisher and Publisher for RezLibris, a magazine for librarians. Although I enjoyed being involved this way, it became too stressful to handle along with my own full-time job and family life, so currently I just manage a pet memorial center, Rainbow Gardens, that I opened after my rl cat died to help others mourn their own lost pets.
While my Second Life might be considered boring by some, and I do admit that I haven't tried the wild side of SL, it has been fulfilling in many ways. But something happened recently that made me realize that I haven't been making the most of my limited inworld time. I haven't been exploring the many opportunities for relationships, cultural and educational experiences, and just plain fun in this awesome place. The following is what happened to help me realize that.
Some people have a hard time adjusting to change. They want things to stay the same because they like feeling safe. I have moved several times since I've been in SL, both my homes and my memorial center. Each time offered a new, yet scary, experience to me. But, like the saying of when one door closes, another opens, it is true of all new experiences whether in virtual reality or real life. Unfortunately, there can sometimes be pain associated with change, like growing pains or the pain of giving up something long treasured. For me, it was the loss of a very special friendship.
Most things do not happen overnight. Close relationships take time to develop. The same is true of things that fall apart. A piece might come loose or a section begin to rot with age, misuse, or neglect. Eventually, it all breaks down. Nobody can be sure how it started, but the end is very obvious. That is what happened with me and my friend. It's not that we exactly grew apart, although people do change over the years and their needs change, as well. Some friendships are long lasting. I'd known him for more than 5 of the 6 1/2 years I'd been in SL. We'd shared a lot of our SL as well as RL lives, both inworld as well as through emails and Facebook messages.
There started to be disagreements, a few arguments, miscommunication between us. He never seemed to have enough time for me, and I became too demanding of what time he had. We tried very hard to talk things out. I won't go into detail here, but the situation wasn't improving. My friend saw no alternative but to end the relationship. I was deeply hurt. I kept feeling it was my fault, and although part of it was, it takes two to tango, so to speak. But it didn't matter who was more to blame, the end result was that this person who I cared about very much was gone from my SL life (and my RL, too). He had defriended me from Facebook and from his SL friends list. It was one of the saddest days of my life.
But sometimes things happen for the best. In the midst of my sadness, I reached out to some old friends who were offering to listen without giving advice. One of them even invited me to a concert to try to cheer me up and had a song dedicated to me. I was so touched by this. I realized that I'd been neglecting these old friends because of being too caught up in my relationship with the friend who had left me.
At this point, I don't feel any anger toward the friend who is gone. I am not calling him an ex-friend because, in my heart, he is still a friend and maybe, some day, we will be able to reestablish a relationship again but one that won't hurt either of us and will be based on mature caring and not obsessive need. For now, I'm making the most of my virtual life, and I hope he is, too. There are so many places to see, things to do, and people to meet in SL. It's possible and probably likely that I will get hurt again in the future, but you always run that risk when you get close to someone, in SL or RL. It's never easy to say goodbye or to hear it, even in SL where virtual friendships come and go. Some are pure fantasy, but some are as strong as those in RL. I know people have left SL after being hurt, and others go on and to make even better relationships. It takes time, and the process is painful. You keep taking two steps back for each forward, as memories and other feelings return. In a long relationship, there are always reminders.
So I put on a smile and some nice SL clothes and try to find my way down the SL road again toward unknown destinations. I need to keep looking forward, although it's not wrong to occasionally look back. We all learn from our mistakes, or at least we should. The biggest lesson I've learned is not to become so dependent on someone. It isn't easy when you truly care for someone, but for the sake of the relationship, you need to do it. The worst thing is to hold onto something so tightly that you smother it.
Second Life is a destination where you can experience many things, and SL relationships are destinations, too. You need to find them and enjoy them while they last. Like sims that often disappear overnight, the same can happen with a friend. But new sims are always opening and new people always joining SL. Some sims also come back, often in different locations and in different forms, and old friends can return, too, although the relationship may be different. It's all part of the journey.
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